My friend from Long Island called me the other day.

An unlikely pair, we are. She’s probably forty years younger; a scientist in some area of biology and less of a “pleaser” than I was at her age. Confident of her rational mind, pragmatic and brave. Moving to a place on the other side of the world, without friends or family waiting for her, at a young age, she seemed ready to define herself by her own accomplishments.

We both took on cultural adventures in our twenties. I left the comforts of the USA to seek new experiences in China, outwardly to build a relationship with an engineer I met one Halloween in the French Quarter. She left her family in India to get her doctorate at a state university in New York, hang out in their lab and teach young people barely her junior part-time.

Initially, we connected through a book marketing consultant I knew who arranged a book blogger tour (reviews) for me when I was I was promoting my books on gratitude. She loved reading and aroused some embarrassment in me because, although English was her second or third language, she was far more likely to be reading a few books simultaneously.

She got it, though, my “no small thing philosophy,” and what I hoped to impart to readers. We shared some unexpected bonding over kirtan music, and I was more than happy to turn her on to authors from my youth like Vonnegut and Kundera.

“Would you be interested in getting a zoom link to attend my graduation?” she asked.

I was more than surprised by this invitation. I might have responded, “Sure,” not really taking in the significance of her offer.

I read her paper after it was published in some online version of a scientific journal and provided an encouraging ear for a few marathon phone conversations, She was more than a little frustrated by the lack of support from her academic advisor. After all, the woman was supposed to shepherd my friend through all the stages of her academic career but didn’t even schedule time for conversations or offer suggestions on how to make her treatment most impactful.

My friend somehow knew when to take time off to clear her mind and when to post a book review in Medium (it being a way to use her mind in a very different direction than her scientific research), both strategies for relieving some pressure.

She had a good sense for when it was important to her to follow traditions, and when she had to chart her own path. She went back to the old country to observe Indian wedding traditions, but chose her mate from among a pool with whom she had different things in common.

She married an Indian boy she met around the university she attended through mutual friends. He was getting established in a software career and was comfortable with her speaking her mind, definitely not like the girl who married “dear old dad.”

I know she hopes her parents, both scientists themselves, are proud of her (she couldn’t imagine not completing her degree) but understands her life is HERS.

I couldn’t offer knowing counsel about her academic advisor or on getting an advanced degree, never having pushed myself through such a process myself. I couldn’t imagine the pressure she felt, but I could express confidence in her and her way of figuring things out.

For the last few years, I have been entertaining thoughts around wishing I had more of a family experience, more of a positive family experience.  I do not have a husband or children. My interactions with my nieces are cordial, but mostly confined to holiday observances.

My childhood memories focused on being dismissed or not being listened to with regard or deep feelings. I repeatedly heard the quote or read it on some MSW’s waiting room wall, “The family you create is more important than the family you’re born into.”

I had an aha moment when my friend asked me if I wanted a zoom link to her August graduation ceremony. I had been thinking that I had to make a search for people I could vibe with on my own, people with whom I might share my love of baseball or jazz, or surprises, or with whom it was easy to talk to about why we loved whatever we loved.

I thought I had to do everything myself. When I expressed being open to receiving her zoom link, I realized that’s just not true. I don’t have to do everything myself. I don’t have to invent my own tribe. Souls who are simpatico are just as likely to find or reach out to me because I have the qualities they’re looking for.

Understanding that the mission of finding your people is not something you have to do alone is no small thing.