No doubt about it. I was feeling a little blue.

Notwithstanding the joys of long days, of outdoor summer concerts…of delighting in chin-dripping barbecue, I wasn’t feeling quite right.  Not fully alive.

I was disappointed with my long-awaited talk with my boss. (She seemed to understand my interest in making more money but didn’t seem interested in collaborating on a plan for me to contribute in new ways.)

Although I started planning a road trip for the fall, I felt a little sad about not being able to find a companion for a longer excursion to a bucket list destination.

I decided I’d try something I’ve never done before.  I wanted to get a little perspective on my life — from both outside and inside myself.  I wanted to have a tarot reading.

I decided that I wanted an in-person session.  It seemed important to me to be able to pick up the vibe of who I’d share my deepest yearnings with.  I wanted to see and feel the deck and not just virtually cut the cards.

So I Googled readers in town and came across Rebecca Schoenecker. Laughing Eye Weeping Eye.   I liked the name she gave to her enterprise and her background, which highlighted that she was an artist and a self-trained intuitive.  She made it easy to book an appointment.

I wanted to be prepared for the session, and I contemplated, maybe not an exact question, but an area of inquiry.  I wanted insights on how to value myself more?

Even in looking for help from others, I know that what I am actually seeking is a mirror.  I wanted a way to register things in my conscious awareness that might be in plain sight that I might be overlooking or dismissing.

I know that so much of how I experience life comes down to how much I love and appreciate myself.

It’s no coincidence that one of my Grateful Dozen categories in my gratitude practice is self-appreciation.  Knowing that I can find pleasure in my own creative ideas and acknowledging insights I come up with because I ask good questions is definitely something to be grateful for.

Rebecca met me at the door of her shared storefront only a few miles from my home.  It had been divided into smaller sections for entrepreneurs of all stripes.  Her room was mixture of mystical, whimsical, and comforting.

She had many different decks, some of her own design.

After shuffling two decks, I picked out a guiding moon and an animal totem card.  That my moon was in a waning phase seemed to match my energy.  My impulse to get a reading began with the feeling that I needed to process emotions before I could move forward, before I might come into the light.

I was amused that my animal totem was a fox, which she explained incorporated the ability to be daring and also adaptable.  While identifying with both of these traits, I felt that I wasn’t being very daring or confident lately. I guess I got tired of things “not working.”

To my questions on self-valuing, I drew the Ace of Cups.  In this card, five streams flow over a cup’s brim, representing the power of intuition and the importance of listening to my inner voice.  The image also speaks to the abundance of Spirit and the potential for Spirit to manifest in the material world.

The Hangman, The Hermit, The Page of Wands – other cards seemed to speak of trust and process.  Rebecca’s interpretation centered around trusting my own wisdom and creative talents but putting myself in the position of being a student and learn things that could help me reach the next step.

She posed that it would be important for me to spend more time writing or feeling connected to what I feel most passionate about and consider how I want to be a student. Of course, I felt compelled to ask myself what I most need to learn?

In the spiritual tradition I’ve practiced for nearly 20 years, a lot is made of the marriage between grace and effort.  It feels right to me that surrender and discipline must be both at play.

In the days following my tarot session, I gave myself a writing assignment (to help me connect with my passion) and a research project (to explore different possibilities for becoming a student of skills I want to acquire).

I’m already pleased and grateful about following my intuition and setting up my tarot session with Rebecca. She was an open channel for receiving messages from Guides and more than understanding of the joys and frustrations of forging your own path. She understood, to the bone, the dilemma of seeking both material self-sufficiency and creative expression.

More than lending her expert interpretations for the cards I drew, I felt that she was able to view me in terms of my talents and my potential for BEING in the world.

Feeling seen is no small thing.