Like many, not quite half the country. I woke up Wednesday morning to the disheartening news that Donald Trump won his presidential bid.

Living in a liberal leaning area in a very blue city in a mostly blue state, I exchanged glances with neighbors as I walked my dog and tried carrying on as if things were normal.

Some have forwarded the opinion that people struggling under inflation felt compelled to vote for change. I would argue that there is nothing inflation-fighting about Trump’s proposed tariffs, and his plans for mass deportation will cost plenty that working class families will end up paying for.

I was upset by the analysis of turnout. Men of every age and  ethnicity seemed to come out for Trump, which, I believe is less about policy than it is about the inability to support a woman as a political leader no matter how much she’s better qualified or represents their better interests.

I chatted a bit with familiar faces while our pooches carried on with their butt-sniffing rituals. (Thank God, for the grounding nature of having a pet.) We forced jokes, but we shared a fear, an apprehension about what comes next.

“I hope we end up in the same internment camp,” aging hound, Phoebe’s human dad from the brick bungalow down the block said while winking at me.

It seems crazy, but I’m actually worried about the seeds of fascism taking hold in this country. The separate branches of government are doing nothing to check each other. The Supreme Court has been acting as a legislative branch more concerned with consolidating power and representing those who appointed them than with protecting individual citizens.

This didn’t happened overnight. I recognize that authoritarians have risen all over the world. But I’ve become truly afraid. Once you make certain changes, it’s hard to go back. Once in power, it’s nearly impossible to dislodge an authoritarian.

Enough people gave DJT a pass when he didn’t share his tax returns in 2016, when he told a frightened nation facing an unfamiliar public health crisis that drinking bleach might be good, when he supported Putin over our own allies and intelligence, when he promised to build a wall that another country would pay for (although he had no such power), a lifetime of inflammatory racist and sexist rhetoric, not to mention having a long record of settling or avoiding disputes by delaying issues in court.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Donald’s best bro,” Elon Musk, is soon to be named to head a newly created Cabinet post for data collection on American citizens (or serves in this capacity in a less public way).

I know who DJT is.

While I do understand the priorities of average Americans have centered on bringing grocery bills down, Trump has never proven his ability to do this. I have had a hard time accepting that the voters chose a self-centered, impulsive old white man who doesn’t support the rule of law or important institutions over a competent and forward-looking woman.

I found myself wallowing in despair. Will I ever see a woman elected president in my lifetime?

I  looked at my Home Alone Spotify playlist. I created it as  “Shelter in Place” guidelines were first communicated and played it often during my months at home to lift my mood. I reminded myself that we got through a global pandemic. We could get through this.

I received links to many articles with analysis of factors that affected the election’s outcome. I was reminded by several people to check out Rachel Maddow’s comments online, those on dealing with fascism and came across a newsletter piece by an environmental and civic not-for-profit, Deceleration News.

I know I am being called on to be civically engaged in new ways. Everyone is. This article proposed four major paths: protecting people, defending civic institutions, disrupt and disobey, build alternatives. I have a lot to think about. I don’t know yet what I will be drawn to do, but I am committing to be more involved; to think about how I want to live and what I’d fight for.

I have thought this week about Tom Bodett, author, actor and pitchman for the Motel 6 economy lodging chain, the tag line used for his radio spots, inviting people, after a long tiring day, to step into the familiar and accessible comfort of a Motel 6 room, promising to “leave the light on.”

it seems like we’re all being called to step up in ways that are intrinsically linked to who we are and what we value. It’s more important than ever for me, even in my sixties, to defend or build institutions that promote what I think is essential for human beings to thrive.

I want to support individual dignity and choice, diversity in community; interdependence that is not based in religious traditions. I think there are others like me, who want to shine their own light by co-creating a new future.

I can’t say whether any actions might lead me into non-violent civil disobedience — I’m still processing what I can do, how I want to contribute — but I asked a few friends if they would bail me out of jail if a peaceful protest led to such a situation.

Having friends who agree to take your “one call” and spring you for trying to shine your light is no small thing.