I thought I had prepared well for the game. I was wearing my Cuddle Duds long underwear and my new down coat (with built-in hoodie), my fur lined, knee-high winter boots, two pair of gloves, and a suitable for late January bulky sweater (even though it wasn’t even the end of November). We brought insulated seat cushions so we wouldn’t have to sit on the cold metal benches and we had a polar fleece blanket for our laps. Still, I couldn’t believe how cold I was.

The Saturday college football game between the Northwestern Wildcats and Michigan State Spartans was supposed to be a rite of passage of sorts. Here I was, a big football fan and I had never been to a big program college game.

It wasn’t hard to get tickets either, not hard like it may have been at other schools where the students rally around their team or well-stationed alumni make nostalgic excursions on crisp fall afternoons.

At Ryan Field, the fans from East Lansing probably outnumbered the Wildcat fans three to one. Their familiar mascot proudly wearing above the knee ancient Greek armor, Spartanwear, despite the chilly breeze, charged the field with the school’s giant green and white banner fully unfurled.

And the thought sunk deep into my bones. Not only was I unbearably cold.  I was also conflicted. Who should I root for?

Not that any of the players would care. The other hearty fans that chose to spend their Saturday afternoon sitting on a metal bench drinking nothing stronger than hot chocolate didn’t care either. But it seemed important to me. Should my allegiance go to the Green and White or Purple and White?

I think when I feel conflict, my mind automatically creates a sort of ledger sheet; two side by side columns divided by a vertical line, listing pros and cons of each choice.

Well, I thought, I have friends whose children attended State. I don’t know much about their football program, but I have been following their basketball program for years and always root for them during the NCAA tournament. But the Wildcats are the home team, I reminded myself. Their football program has been working hard to gain respectability. They’re the underdogs.

And I thought about my relationship with conflict. I don’t like it. I’ll usually prefer dealing with something simply difficult over something I feel conflicted about or something that is unclear. Just a few months ago, for several weeks, I couldn’t fall asleep. Even though I didn’t consciously bring my dilemma to bed with me, the unsettled nature of my feelings were never far away.  Once I made a decision, it became easier to slip into sleep at night.

I noticed the entries on my internal balance sheet kept growing (I admired the Spartan fans for supporting their team en masse; as a high school senior, I chose not to go to Northwestern because of a vibe I got; I liked the way Northwestern held their athletes to higher academic standards than most large schools, etc.). I don’t like to be in conflict, but then again, I was beginning to appreciate the gift of having to sort out my feelings.

Resolving a conflict by choosing one of two options where both choices have merit is an incredible process. Sometimes, things come down to trusting a gut feeling over a rationalization or making a choice you believe would make the most sense to others. Sometimes, accepting that you can’t choose one thing over another immediately but trust that you will be able to make a decision at the right time is a great victory. Looking into the nature of a conflict may be the first step towards peace.

Deciding what team to root for or what action to take next, or even trusting a conflict will resolve at the right time, is no small thing.